wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything