The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: