Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
as is their right
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.