The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.