[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.