My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Just a phase…
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.