If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.