Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?