Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
This meal prepping shit easy
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.