is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.