If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.