Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?