Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My dog learned how to text
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius