Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
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The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron