person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
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As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Seas the day!!!!
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.