Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
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6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus