Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
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SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
saw this in a dream
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers