BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You Might Also Like
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.