[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
You Might Also Like
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
God, I love Scotland