Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
quarantine day 3
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Cinematography is my passion
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now