Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I gave up going to work for lent.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
that wasn’t the question
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.