Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.