I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
✌🏽
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time