Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas