Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.