I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Previously On Persistence 😎
So, can we agree on 4 or
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I know
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw