I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Pringles
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Who comes up with this kinda stuff