priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?