me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”