Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Looking at you, Jesus.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
bury ourselves
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…