*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.