My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
put ‘er there pardner!
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Bike for sale
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.