big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
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My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
This meal prepping shit easy
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.