Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
You Might Also Like
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
#JohnTravolta
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.