*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Do not steal food from the science building!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.