How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
You Might Also Like
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?