I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*