At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
This will never not be funny to me.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.