Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
“no gods no masters” = leo
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?