GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again