If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Meme Monday.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]