Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Can’t. Being lazy.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
He wanted to make sure😂
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.