Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.