The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
j o i m p
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven