[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
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If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
How about I get 100% off by already being there
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century