How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
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MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.