I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
lot going on here, legally speaking.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.