“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.