I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
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[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Extremely relatable.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.