St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
And then there were 4
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.